The trail ruined my life.
During my hike I transitioned from a man in the woods, to a man of the woods. I was no longer an interloper among the wildlife. I became part of the wilderness. Hiking was no longer a hobby, but an identity. The animal I had become felt perfectly natural in the woods, and when I came “home” I did not belong.
Participating in social activites was nearly impossible. I simply didn’t work like everyone else. I felt broken – a world apart from everyone around me. I watched these people obsess over their hair, their clothes, their cars. These people had no idea how it felt to race a thunderstorm, climb a mountain to slake a thirst, smear chapstick on a thigh to reduce the friction, superglue their heel closed, or fight the rapids of a hurricane-flooded river because they don’t have enough food to wait while the waters recede. Nothing they care about matters. I found myself sitting quietly while society happened around me.
Many admired the task I had accomplished. I was frequently asked about my hike. Every question triggered strong memories and emotions, but I couldn’t put these experiences to words. How does one describe a rainbow to a blind man? Everyone received a small, self-knowing smile and a brief comment. “It was nice.” That single word, “nice,” meant so much more than they could possible understand. To shed all of one’s responsibilities, to live simply, in complete freedom but with a definite goal in mind, making measurable progress toward that goal every day. Every step. It was nice.
I’m not “broken” anymore, though I sometimes miss the clarity that accompanied that isolation. I’ve learned to communicate again. I no longer stand apart from the crowd. I’ve learned to live as a townie once again, but my life will never be the same. Before the trail, I was unhappy with my life as a townie. I entered the woods and emerged a new man. A happier man. My values have changed and my confidence is unshakeable. I know how to handle shit. I’ve realized that very little matters. I understand that when things suck, you do different things. Don’t become mired in routine, accepting unhappiness while fearing the unknown. If the day sucks, keep hiking – there’s something beautiful over the next ridge.
The trail ruined my life, but it gave me a better one.